when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Randomize
