I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Randomize
