Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
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