There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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