The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Randomize
