Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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