the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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