i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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