i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Randomize
