I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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