Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
babies were throwing up all over the place
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
