you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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