I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
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just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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