my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
