About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize