dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
