I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
