If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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