When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
