she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
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