Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
