Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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