zippers are such a cool invention
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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