Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
