She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Fuck appropriateness.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
