I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
