I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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