I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Randomize
