Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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