i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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