I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
