I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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