A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Randomize
