i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Randomize
