he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
