So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
