I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
