I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
