Got a toothbrush?
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
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