ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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