So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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