Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
