ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
