zippers are such a cool invention
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
