i wish starbucks made bloody marys
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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