I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
