He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
