Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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