i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Randomize
