and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
high people should be assigned attendants
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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