Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
