if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
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