She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Randomize
