Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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