My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
