At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Randomize
